How to deal with difficult people

 People are not necessarily difficult but different. In other words if someone sees things different than us we might think they are “difficult.” To deal with these “difficult” people follow these rules:

Difficult people are demanding. They demand something from the external world in hopes of filling the disconnection and restlessness they feel within. Whether they are demanding our attention, a certain action or reaction, or a particular outcome, the root of their behavior is a demand for something other than what is.

Difficult people haven’t yet learned to take responsibility for their whole selves—mind, body, and spirit. Feeling disconnected and restless gives rise to their need to argue, judge, critique, and tweak everyone around them.
Their inability to handle themselves adds fuel to the fire, which perpetuates their harshness.

Underneath their personality is a feeling of being separate and a desperate plea for help.

We can’t change another and we can’t make someone want to change. The only way we can help is by being true to our self, finding our power within, and being an example of wholeness.

We all have encounters with people who prefer to stay miserable, making everything difficult. They exist, and perhaps there was a time in your past when you once where one of those negative people. Perhaps you still can be at times.

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Here are 11 practices I have found useful, loving, and extremely effective.

1.Don’t return anger with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to an already heated situation. Use a low, calm, even monotone voice. Don't try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.

2.Keep extra space between you and the other person. Your instinct may be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs, or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts. But if someone is already upset, avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.

3.Listen. Listening is the number one step in dealing with "unreasonable" people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you're listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you want to say next.

Give the difficult person a chance to finish without interrupting. Ask clarifying questions if confused, and use paraphrasing and mirroring to check accuracy of hearing.Now this is going to be hard to do, but you must at least try it because the outcome may surprise you: Acknowledge the other person's feelings. You heard me right. So, if the other person is angry, say, "You must be feeling very frustrated..."

We don't do this often enough because we erroneously believe that if we notice someone's feelings, those feelings will intensify. Actually, the opposite is true. When we address a need, or acknowledge an emotion, the need or feeling tends to go away.

4. Resonate compassion. Compassion is an attribute of the strong, highly evolved soul who sees opportunities for healing, peace, and love in every situation. Even when faced with a difficult person, compassion allows you to see someone who is suffering and looking for relief.

Compassion reminds you that this person has been happy and sad, just like you have been; has experienced health and sickness, as have you; has friends and loved ones who care for them, like you; and will one day, grow old and die, just as you will. This understanding helps to open your heart to embrace a difficult person from the level of the soul. If you can think, speak, and act from this perspective, you will resonate the compassion that lives at the deepest level of your being and help you to transform your relationships.

Difficult people can challenge your commitment to spirit, but by practicing these steps you can respond reflectively, rather than reactively, and hopefully take your relationships to a more conscious level of expression.

Remember once again that no matter how it might appear, difficult people are doing the best they are able. Knowing this, you can smile at the wisdom of Maya Angelou's words when she said, “We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better.”

5. Walk away if neccessary. Walking away from a heated argument is not a sign of weakness. The instict ability to detect is wisdom not foolishness. Difficult people can often draw you into a field of negativity. If you feel like you can’t maintain your awareness and objectivity, there’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation. A toxic exchange can leave you feeling physically depleted and emotionally exhausted; if the above options aren't helping you deal with the difficult person, walk away. You don't have anything to prove to anyone; there’s no need to martyr yourself on the relationship battleground. You may have the best intentions for the exchange, but sometimes the most evolutionary option is to consciously withdraw from the interaction. This isn't about winning or losing, it's about stepping away from a toxic environment that’s dampening your spirit. Detach from the situation and trust the universe to work out the resolution.

6. Practice defenselessness. This can be a powerful strategy when confronted with a difficult person. Being defenseless doesn’t mean you’re passive—you still maintain your personal opinion and perspective in the situation—but rather than engaging with the intention of making the other person wrong, you consciously choose not to be an adversary.

Being defenseless means you give up the need to be the smartest person in the room. You ask your ego and intellect to sit this one out and proceed with an open acceptance of the other person’s position. You don’t have to agree with their perspective (or even like it). The point of this process is to compassionately suspend your need to defend a particular point of view. An interaction with a difficult person doesn’t have to turn into a heated debate. Oftentimes, the other person simply needs to be heard. By allowing them to express themselves without resistance, they can fulfill that need and perhaps become more amicable. Establishing defenselessness creates space that allows for a more a compassionate and peaceful interaction.

7. Don't take it personally. When you’re involved with a difficult person, it can feel like their words are a deliberate personal attack. This is not the case. Their reaction and behavior is not about you; it’s about them. Everyone is experiencing reality through personalized filters and perceptions of the world and your behavior is a direct result of those interpretations. A difficult person’s point of view is something that’s personal to them. In their reality, they are the director, producer, and leading actor of their own movie. You, on the receiving end, play only a small part in their drama.

In a similar manner they are possibly only bit players in your drama, so you can choose not to give the bit players of your life control over your happiness. If you take the situation personally, you end up becoming offended and react by defending your beliefs and causing additional conflict. In refusing to take things personally you defuse the ego and help to de-escalate a potential conflict.

8. Have A “Beginner's Mind”. To possess a beginner’s mind is to realize that something is to be learned from each interaction. This essential tenet of mindfulness is applicable when the interaction invokes the very human need to “be right” – a debate, for example.
Conflict often arises when one person “knows” something, and the other believes that they “know” something else.

Who is right or wrong in this situation is not relevant, as nobody can honestly confess that they know everything.
Resisting the need to be right in a volatile situation is often the best solution. Instead, try using a “not knowing” outlook – and try to gain something out of the situation.

9. Avoid forming "enemy" relationships.The subtle art of influence is often lost in the heat of organizational battle. When interaction becomes strained or bias exists, the negative interaction coupled with the distance that often results invites selective scanning and projection.

We see what we want to see to keep our enemies "the enemy." If a relationship is limited to polite indifference and significant negative interaction, expect polarization and an "enemy" relationship. In such relationships everyone loses. Take seriously the words of Confucius, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Even your most difficult people usually have some people they work well with. Make one of those people you. Don't look for the worst; learn to look for the best in even difficult people.

10. Learn when to be silent. Some people are extremely closed-minded and impossible to talk to, but we need to speak to them. When I find myself in a situation with someone who just can’t hear me in the moment, I don’t force the issue. Trying to get my point across to someone that can’t hear me only escalates the situation. Sometimes the clearest form of communication is silence.

At a later time I can revisit the conversation with the person and communicate what needs to be said. Regardless of the person’s response, I can share my feelings and thoughts and let go of the outcome. Focusing on them responding a certain way only results in two difficult people unable to accept what is.

11.Be still and ground yourself. Naturally, when we are confronted with a rude, irritable, or irate person, we tend to avoid them. We think that if we avoid them they will go away, or at least we hope they will. The truth is that, although this may happen, it is much more likely that they won’t until we learn an alternate way of dealing with them.

Negative energy has a force and it can knock us on our butt, usually in the form of us engaging in toxic behavior. If we are not grounded, we may find ourselves arguing, judging, or stomping out of the room.

Making sure we are firmly planted in our body enables us to look the person in the eye and be completely present. It gives us the opportunity to remain calm and pause rather than engage in behavior we may later regret .

12. Look them directly in the eyes. Darkness, negativity, can’t stand light, so it can’t remain in the light. Looking someone directly in his or her eyes dispels darkness. Your light pierces through the superficial persona to their being.

When I practice this tool one of two things always happens:
The person walks away or stops talking.

The conversation takes a more positive direction.

We all want to be seen, from the cashier at Target to our spouse. Taking the time to look at someone offers them the greatest gift we have to offer: connection.
Try it as an experiment and see what happens.

3. Listen to understand.
I find that whenever a difficult person confronts me, I automatically tense up and mentally consider my defense. When I am calm and open-minded, I know that I never have to defend myself, ever.

The most effective way to diffuse a difficult person is to truly listen to what they are trying to say, which means keeping my mouth closed and hearing them all the way through.

Whether or not I agree with them is irrelevant, and I certainly don’t need to let them know what I think. I can listen and get back to them if necessary such as with a spouse, co-worker or friend.
I find the following responses to be most effective:

“Let me get back to you on that.”

“You could be right.”
When a person is being difficult, it is because they are responding to their perceived reality rather than what is going on in the moment. Often times their frustration has very little to do with us.
I find when someone’s reaction seems over the top for the situation that repeating the same response diffuses the situation.

BONUS 
1. Realize that people who are angry feel justified in their anger -Whether it’s a perception or reality there is “real” reason for their anger.

2. Avoid anger in yourself – Angry exchanges change few minds. Speak in a calm voice.

3. Ask questions – Make sure you get the real reason for the anger.

4. Show empathy – Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Show empathy by saying such statements as, “If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way” or “If I believed that, I’d probably feel the same way.” Notice that neither of these statements says that you agree with the person. The only thing you’re saying is that if you saw the situation the same way they did that’s how you would feel.

5. Listen – Many times people just want to be listened to. When you listen they tend to calm down. Also by listening you find out what the real problems are.

6. Take responsibility for the conflict – Realize that something you did or didn’t do caused the conflict to take place. If you are at fault, admit it.

7. Summarize the needs and desires both parties – Clarify the argument.

8. Ask what you can do to resolve the disagreement – By asking this you show that you want to be helpful and that you value the relationship. It’s also surprising that when you seek a resolution most people will just want to be treated fairly and won’t “ask for the world.”

9. Choose time and place carefully – If you’re going to get into a confrontation, make sure it’s in private and pick a time when they will be most relaxed.

10. Paraphrase what has been said. – Repeat back what has been said to make sure you’re both clear on what the real conflict is.

11. Don’t interrupt – Rapport, sensitivity, closeness and commitment are killed.

12. Mention their name – If you’re dealing with someone who is yelling at you, mention their name over and over again. This way you can add in what you want to say.

13. Don’t accept it – There are times when verbal abuse is uncalled for. It’s at these times that it is appropriate for you to tell them that their behavior is inappropriate and you won’t accept it.

14. Say “NO” in a nice way – If someone is being difficult, use the USA method to interrupt and get your point across. Say, “I understand this is important to you, however the situation is …. (action or alternative) and let’s try this ….”

15. Don’t take it personally. Many times people are angry because they are hungry, already angry about something, lonely or tired.

Give Feedback
There's a time when a difficult person has to be told his behavior is affecting you and is no longer appropriate. Here's how to pull it off:

*Maintain comfortable eye contact. In other words, don't "give him the eye."
Remain open-minded.

*Pay attention to non-verbal signals as a way of reading the person's feeling state.

*Use an "I" statement of feeling. Ex: "I feel this like decision violates our trust."

*Request what you'd like to have happen now, more, or different next time. Without a request, you're merely describing your feelings--and that's a good start, but if you want things to change, you'll probably need to provide a little guidance. Ex: "I'm requesting that from now on you hold your comments until the end of the meeting.

*Focus on difficult person's behavior and never make it about the person. Give specific examples that you can back up.

*Feedback should always be focused on win-win.

*Get agreement about a plan of action, and commitment on both your parts to follow through.